Spotlight: Joni Wickham Shares the Thin Line Between Cupcake and Bitch
As a white male, I can’t say I’ve experienced the pressure and critical judgment that women leaders and workers so regularly face. Yet I also can’t say the double standards don’t exist, because I’ve seen them unfold in front of me, and heard stories from countless others. If a man is loud and aggressive with his ideas, he’s seen as taking charge. A woman doing the same thing? She’s shrill and out of control.
It’s an incredibly fine line to come across as both likable and competent without appearing bitchy. But Joni Wickham may have found the magic equation.
Wickham most recently served as Chief of Staff to Mayor Sly James in Kansas City, has authored a new book, The Thin Line Between Cupcake and Bitch, which helps women navigate their careers. Wickham, an attractive woman who grew up in a trailer park in rural North Carolina, has been frequently underestimated throughout her 20-year political career—considered too nice by some and too aggressive by others.
We chatted about her new book, her professional career, and some of her most memorable moments from the political sphere. Check it out below.
Why did you start Wickham James?
At the end of 2019 (after eight years) I concluded my time as Chief of Staff for Kansas City, MO. Mayor Sly James. He and I started Wickham James Strategies & Solutions, a consulting firm, after term limits prohibited Sly James from running for re-election.
When we launched the firm in the fall of 2019, we were excited to receive fanfare and media attention. In fact, the headline in the Kansas City Business Journal read, “Sly James Goes into Business with his Ex-Chief of Staff (And She Gets Top Billing).” It was Sly’s idea to put my name first. “You made me look better than I deserved for eight years,” he said. “So now it’s your turn.”
Wickham James Strategies & Solutions LC is a consulting firm that focuses on a number of issues and initiatives, including early childhood education, women's leadership and policy, and economic development. Among the firm's early projects and clients are She Should Run, a nonpartisan nonprofit dedicated to getting women to run for public office, United Women’s Empowerment, based in Kansas City, and LaunchCode, an organization focused on meeting workforce needs of the future by growing tech talent. The firm has also helped political campaigns with their communications strategy. Together, Sly and I have won 16 elections, many of them bond and issue questions.
Since we started Wickham James, I’ve also published my first book, The Thin Line Between Cupcake and Bitch, that outlines my personal journey about leadership — and about being a woman in politics. One of the things that I really wanted to do in this new chapter of my life was make time to tell my story in a way that gives women, and men, things to think about.
What does success look like for Wickham James?
At Wickham James Strategies & Solutions, we never shy away from taking on tough challenges. Sly James and I really enjoy bringing bold visions to life — partnering with organizations like United WE, LaunchCode, and She Should Run. To us, our success comes as we move the needle for our clients every day.
We have both learned over time that you must own YOUR definition of success and failure. In politics, people tend to define their successes by the ballot box. Sometimes you can lose an election, but still move an issue forward. The farmers I grew up around would say, “There is more than one ingredient to a successful crop.” The same can be said about leadership and success.
Do you think any shows about politics (for example, Veep, The West Wing, Designated Survivor) are an accurate representation of your experience? Or do they give people the wrong idea of what that world is like?
Sly James and I spent eight years together rebuilding the confidence of a city that needed a reason to feel good about itself again – Kansas City. We’ve been in trenches together finding solutions and developing strategies under circumstances that felt like scenes from West Wing one day, Veep the next, and Parks and Recreation the day after that. We know what it’s like to live under the microscope every single day. One thing of note: public service is about serving the public and not about serving yourself. Over the years, I saw some political staffers and elected officials struggle to understand this and to live it as a philosophy every day. A couple of staffers in the Missouri State Capitol were infamous for going from office to office asking for tickets to sporting events and concerts. This seemed so tacky. It was hard for me to imagine their reputation as moochers didn’t affect their ability to do their jobs. Unfortunately, in today’s political and corporate worlds where the tendency is towards self-aggrandizement and self-promotion, we sometimes see less leadership and more showmanship.
Joni Wickham with Sly James
What's something that has surprised you about the political world?
My mom found out she was pregnant with me when she was 14. I lived in a teeny-tiny town surrounded by tobacco fields. My grandparents never learned to read or write. I don’t come from a very traditional background and a lot of people in politics and government have a long family history in politics and I certainly didn’t have anything like that.
Something that surprised me about the political world was that family advantages do impact who gets “in the door” for internships and other opportunities. What I lacked in family advantages, I made up for in tenacity and hard work - setting me up for success when I landed a job in the Missouri State House in Jefferson City. I was working for former Missouri Secretary of State Robin Carnahan, and I credit her with really showing me how a high-profile, woman leader really navigates the thin line between cupcake and bitch. She clearly showcased how you can successfully be a women leader, get results, and not let it affect you. She was the first woman who I worked for who was a female elected official and I really was grateful for the opportunity to watch her be herself in the halls of the Capitol.
Frankly, I want every woman who reads my book to see that anything is possible. I don’t want women to think just because they were born to a teen mom and lived in a trailer, surrounded by tobacco fields, that it means that they have to settle for anything. It certainly means that their path is going to look differently than some of their other peers, but I want women to read my book and know that they can accomplish anything and that their past doesn’t have to determine their future.
What's been one of the worst moments in your professional career?
I’ve learned a few important things about being a woman in politics. First, that authenticity is hard to come by in some circles, politics certainly being one. Working by Mayor Sly James’ side grew my confidence because his worldview and decision-making were genuine, and he always seemed so comfortable in his own skin. He consistently put the city above his own political interests. Watching his leadership style, I often thought, “If he can do that in this way, then I can, too.” If that isn’t leadership, then I don’t know what is.
Next, I discovered as a woman in politics, it’s important to have a sponsor. Sometimes, no matter how hard you work, you need others to advocate on your behalf. The most profound and public example of Sly’s sponsorship for me came in 2013. I was simultaneously very pregnant and very busy coordinating an important meeting between Kansas City’s development community and the labor unions. I did one-on-one briefings with all parties involved so that I could relay all the divergent perspectives to the Mayor. I also took the time to develop trust with each stakeholder so they would understand the Mayor’s objectives for the meeting before we even walked into the room. I spent hours working with each of the participants, and it didn’t go unnoticed. The CEO of one of the participating economic development organizations commented, “I can’t believe you can still work this hard with your stomach that big!”
My knee jerk reaction was to roll my eyes – or worse. I’ll never be able to fully explain why I didn’t react aggressively. Maybe it was the amount of naivete in his tone, or the size of my ankles that day, but I just laughed and said, “Thanks.” When we arrived at the board room on the day of the meeting, I couldn’t believe what I found. No one had included a chair for me at the table. There sat eleven men in their seats with their name cards sitting in front of them. Sly’s chair was at the head of the conference table, but I literally did not have a seat at the table for the meeting I had solely planned. I had researched, analyzed and briefed the Mayor and participants on issues, and even reserved the conference room.
Sly has an ability to make a strategic spectacle when he needs to. And he did. He made all the participants move their chairs to create a space for me at the table next to him. He then went to the corner of the room where the extra chairs were stacked and sat down one for me. Sly had a few harsh words for the group, but I don’t recall exactly what he said. Those men treated me differently after that incident. But it took another man with power they wanted to leverage acting as my sponsor in order to make it happen. Without question, I had earned my place at that table, but Sly made sure they knew it. I’m certain that I exhibited much more of a bitch vibe than cupcake vibe throughout that meeting. In that moment, it was important for those guys to know that I found their omission completely unacceptable.
Examples like this illustrate how important men can be in efforts to combat gender bias and discrimination. It would be one thing for me to take on the behavior of those eleven men by myself. But Sly’s willingness to step up and call them out created more urgency and perhaps a stronger sense of shame. There is also a domino effect that can come when enlightened men stand up for women. One of the men at that meeting told me a couple of years later how he recently advocated for a woman in his company because Sly’s point made such an impact on him. Sometimes the best way to take action, drive change and get results is to change the attitudes of the people around you.
What's a favorite story from The Thin Line Between Cupcake and Bitch?
A few years ago, I stayed with my grandparents for a couple of days before heading to Washington D.C., for the winter meeting of the U.S. Conference of Mayors with Mayor Sly James. When I arrived at Grandma and Grandpa’s trailer, a pot-bellied pig was running around their backyard. Deer, coyotes, and turkeys are common sights in their backyard, but the pot-bellied pig was a smelly intruder, and no one had any idea how it got there. We assumed it got loose from a nearby farm and was just wandering around finding the Peterson homestead a nice place to visit. Quite annoyingly, it followed us everywhere and tried to jump in the car every time we left the house.
The morning I left for Washington, D.C. to join Sly, the potbellied pig kept jumping all over me when I was in the yard helping Grandpa rake leaves. The pig was now not only smelly, he had also found a nice mud puddle to roll around in. Grandpa and I raked the leaves into manageable piles for him to burn later that evening, and the pig did his best to get in our way. When it was time to leave for the airport, I went inside to put on a suit. Since there wasn’t time to change at the hotel before the meeting, I had to make the short flight from Raleigh ready to go to the White House. There I was inside the trailer I had practically grown up in, putting on makeup and curling my hair for a meeting at the White House, while a stinky, muddy, pot-bellied pig ran around outside. In that moment, my life epitomized the textbook example of a dichotomy.
While I was putting my luggage into the trunk of the car, the pig jumped on me several times and I kept trying to shoo it away. “He’s just being friendly,” Grandma laughed. Traffic on the way to the airport was bumper to bumper, and I made a mad dash through security and to the gate to make my flight. I was exhausted by the time I landed in D.C. After my visits to North Carolina, my physical and emotional energies have usually taken a hit. Despite being tired, I knew I had to be “on” that evening when I arrived at the White House. I dropped my luggage off at the hotel without time to touch up my makeup or catch my breath. In less than a few hours, I had made the shift from my family life at a trailer in North Carolina to walking into the White House as Chief of Staff to the Mayor of Kansas City. That evening was simply unforgettable.